If you've ever been pregnant, you understand the feeling of bearing a child. Yes, there are the aches and pains, the foot in the ribs, sleepless nights, and the pressure on the bladder. But there are also the flutters, the kicks, the flops & turns - the knowledge that you are one with your child. Being pregnant was one of the greatest blessings I could have ever been given. The gift of pregnancy is truly something I am thankful for every day. The fact that I was given that gift is a miracle, one that I do not take lightly.
The anxious arrival of a baby, is, well, just that - anxious. However, there is a sense of certainty about the whole world of pregnancy. Gestational period is 9 months, therefore you have a pretty good estimate on when the baby is joining the family. Books, upon articles, upon other Mom's, inform you of what to expect and what life is like those 9 months and beyond. I found comfort, even through the anxious times, knowing that although this journey may have not been familiar to me, so many around me could empathize with my journey. There is a sense of excitement - countdowns begin - belly is measured - Grandma's tell you the baby has "dropped." And then the day comes and (after all the not so fun part), you hold this amazing little child in your arms and your life is forever changed for the greater.
How do I give this up?
How do I understand that I very well will most likely never have this feeling again?
How do I overcome the loss of dreams?
There are so many days I think I've got it. I praise the Lord for my fortunes, especially for my amazing Caleb. I am thankful for the child I was able to carry and weep for the women who will never have that experience. But there are too many days where I can't get past this idea of never carrying another child.
One's mind can play cruel jokes at times. I still remember the sensations of carrying Caleb and there are times when my stomach is growling, or something goofy in my tummy, and I instantly think of pregnancy. And then I yearn for that true feeling again. I've sat holding my stomach, thinking, praying, wishing.
I shouldn't do this. I should be happy with what I have been given. I should rejoice in the fact that my family WILL grow. That God WILL provide. That my son will have siblings.
But it just wasn't the way I had expected it all to be.
This wasn't my dream. At least not in the order I had thought it might go.
Why is my reality so different? And why can't I be ok with the cards that were dealt to me?
I want so badly to think of our paperwork for this adoption as our time of pregnancy, but it feels nothing like the sort. There is no timeline. There are no flutter kicks. There are no glowing cheeks. No one reaching out to touch the belly.
Little C doesn't even know that he is already part of my heart. He doesn't know that his Mom is there waiting for him.
And for all I know, He could not be mine. I of course work very hard not to think these thoughts, but the fact of the matter is that he is not officially our son until he is home with us. This anxious feeling is nothing like the anxious feeling of pregnancy.
So, how do I move on? How do I give up the idea of pregnancy?
The easy answer is prayer. Talk to God. Rejoice as well as cry with Him. And although I do agree with that answer, this is not an easy one. I'm trying really hard to trust in all of this, but some days, I just plain don't get it. Not one bit. I sit and read bible stories to Caleb of Hannah (1 Samuel 1) & Sarah (Genesis 18), women who's prayers were answered to have a child, and my son says that's all we have to do is "pray Mom, and God will bring me a baby sister."
Where are the stories of mourning? Where is the story where God explains to a woman why she is barren? Why this gift is not given to her? Where is the story in the bible that explains why children are cast out by their parents, and yet the parents continue to have more... but the good neighbor cannot have a child?
And on a slightly funny, but not really note, why on earth has God made us woman to suffer EVERY single month with the reminder that we are not pregnant... seriously, I get that Eve wronged you, God, but do we have to suffer EVERY month, especially if we can't even have kids!?! Jesus obviously was a man, otherwise I'm thinking He may have had a talk with his dear Father and made things a little easier on the women!!! :)
Ok, so I had to lighten this up a bit, for you the reader, and for myself.
I didn't write this tonight to be a downer. I wrote it because, (A) I needed to get it out so I didn't rethink all of these thoughts over and over like I had been doing all day, and (B) because I know these things aren't talked about a lot. I hope my story can perhaps help others sort out their thoughts. If you are one of those people and ever need to rant like I just did, I'd be happy to listen. This isn't something discussed with co-workers in the breakroom. It just isn't as exciting as pregnancy. But they are very real feelings that many struggle with and are trying to deal with everyday.
Don't think I'll ever come up with answers to the questions I posed tonight. There will be a day, I believe, that I will look back on this and maybe some things will feel more in place, the "stars will align" as some would say, but I have a feeling it will be awhile.
Thanks for reading and being with me tonight. Although none of you are reading this as I'm writing, I know so many of you are praying for me and my family, and that lifts me higher than you could ever imagine. When all feels, well, like tonight has, your prayer is what comforts me.