Skip to main content

License to feel

Remember that Limbo feeling? The one that can be traced all the way back to elementary school? The feeling where you're afraid that if something makes you sad, you might be told you're a baby. Or in high school, if you made too big a deal about your grades, boys, or your parents, your friends think you're a drama queen? Remember when you thought that whatever you were feeling, that it just wasn't what "society" expected of you?
I remember having these feelings: as a kid, teenager, college student, and now - as an adult. 

When infertility became a word used in my house I didn't know how to comprehend what my emotions should be. 

      Was it ok to cry? Well yes, but Mara you have a kid, why do you get to cry?

       Was it ok to be mad? Probably, but seriously, it could be so much worse, think of all the things you do have. 

       Was it ok to beg and plead with God? I'm sure he listened, but Mara you are sounding selfish,what can you be thankful for instead?

I started to wonder if it was ok to have these feelings, was I part of "society's norm"? But then I started writing. What possessed me to write so that "society" could see it, not really sure. But I do know that writing on this blog has given me a new license. 

A license to feel. To understand. To weep with both sorrow and joy. 

Tonight I want to thank you all for listening and reading about my story, one that I'm learning is not so different from many other's stories. I've been blessed by numerous friends and family that have written to tell me their story, and there is always one common theme among them... 

It is ok, it is the norm, it is never wrong to have emotions and to feel whatever We might be feeling during that day, hour, or minute. We all have a license to feel, no matter how wreck-less the driving of our emotions may become. 

I'm quite sure I've known this all along, but reminders from friends and family are always a God send. :)
Today for instance, a special thanks, to a very close friend that gave me "permission" and a license to feel whatever thoughts i may have had the other day when I learned she was pregnant. You have no idea what that meant to me. You were a blessing and a comfort. Along with my prayers of "when is it my turn?", you better believe I also threw in a whole lot of " thank you thank you thank you for the newest miracle to arrive soon!" 

So what burden is on your shoulders tonight? Whatever it may be - remember - You have a license to feel. 

We feel - God heals. 

Love, Mara


Popular posts from this blog

Pregnancy - How do I give this up?

If you've ever been pregnant, you understand the feeling of bearing a child. Yes, there are the aches and pains, the foot in the ribs, sleepless nights, and the pressure on the bladder. But there are also the flutters, the kicks, the flops & turns - the knowledge that you are one with your child. Being pregnant was one of the greatest blessings I could have ever been given. The gift of pregnancy is truly something I am thankful for every day. The fact that I was given that gift is a miracle, one that I do not take lightly. 
The anxious arrival of a baby, is, well, just that - anxious. However, there is a sense of certainty about the whole world of pregnancy. Gestational period is 9 months, therefore you have a pretty good estimate on when the baby is joining the family. Books, upon articles, upon other Mom's, inform you of what to expect and what life is like those 9 months and beyond. I found comfort, even through the anxious times, knowing that although this journey may …

Four years.

Four years. Four years ago today, our second blessing jumped into our arms for the first time.
Four years ago today, these two became brothers and best friends.
Four years ago today, all our worlds changed. And yet, how can it have only been four years? Feels like he has been our son from day one. The Lord blessed us ten-fold the day we met you, my son, our Tope. My world is better with you in it.

To the man who raised our son - In Memory of Pastor Dan

If all of us can only understand what compassion and grace truly mean,  this world might be a better place.  ~Pastor Dan Montenegro
There is a person I have dreamed of seeing again. I imagine our Tope, ten years older, as a young man, going back to where he was raised the first five years of his life. The walls of his orphanage would take shape and memories would form for Tope, memories that he would both share and keep to himself. We would share our memories too. Memories of when the gate opened and we first saw his face. Memories of the children that surrounded us, watching as he met his Mom & Dad for the first time. Memories of the caretakers that had spent so much time and love on our little boy. And then we would not just see the building, the new children living here, the memories of past and present, but we would see Pastor Dan standing there, standing proud and grinning as he would hold out his arms to embrace our son. 
This man.  He is kind, gentle, humble. He is a servant …