Remember that Limbo feeling? The one that can be traced all the way back to elementary school? The feeling where you're afraid that if something makes you sad, you might be told you're a baby. Or in high school, if you made too big a deal about your grades, boys, or your parents, your friends think you're a drama queen? Remember when you thought that whatever you were feeling, that it just wasn't what "society" expected of you?
I remember having these feelings: as a kid, teenager, college student, and now - as an adult.
When infertility became a word used in my house I didn't know how to comprehend what my emotions should be.
Was it ok to cry? Well yes, but Mara you have a kid, why do you get to cry?
Was it ok to be mad? Probably, but seriously, it could be so much worse, think of all the things you do have.
Was it ok to beg and plead with God? I'm sure he listened, but Mara you are sounding selfish,what can you be thankful for instead?
I started to wonder if it was ok to have these feelings, was I part of "society's norm"? But then I started writing. What possessed me to write so that "society" could see it, not really sure. But I do know that writing on this blog has given me a new license.
A license to feel. To understand. To weep with both sorrow and joy.
Tonight I want to thank you all for listening and reading about my story, one that I'm learning is not so different from many other's stories. I've been blessed by numerous friends and family that have written to tell me their story, and there is always one common theme among them...
It is ok, it is the norm, it is never wrong to have emotions and to feel whatever We might be feeling during that day, hour, or minute. We all have a license to feel, no matter how wreck-less the driving of our emotions may become.
I'm quite sure I've known this all along, but reminders from friends and family are always a God send. :)
Today for instance, a special thanks, to a very close friend that gave me "permission" and a license to feel whatever thoughts i may have had the other day when I learned she was pregnant. You have no idea what that meant to me. You were a blessing and a comfort. Along with my prayers of "when is it my turn?", you better believe I also threw in a whole lot of " thank you thank you thank you for the newest miracle to arrive soon!"
So what burden is on your shoulders tonight? Whatever it may be - remember - You have a license to feel.
We feel - God heals.