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That feeling

It happened again. In church of all places. A place where a heavy heart should be thrown out of the window. A place where envy isn't welcome. A place where I should be reminded, more than any place else, that I should trust God.

That icky feeling happened.

The feeling where I question God. I wonder why.

The feeling where I envy the pregnant lady. I envy the families with multiple young children. I envy the baby being held.

I pretty much despise this feeling. I hate how it feels when it creeps up into my mind. I dislike the water that starts pooling in my eyes. And I feel like such a fool for having such thoughts.

The blessings in my life are beyond measure, especially when it comes to my wonderful little boy, Caleb. But I still question - "why?"

What do you suppose is God's answer when I ask? Is He scoffing at me and saying "not this again Mara." Is He pleading with me, "would you just Trust?" Is He rejoicing, saying "I'm thankful that you care and you want a family." Is He crying, feeling my pain? Is He smiling, knowing all that He holds in the future for me?

But that's just it... He's understanding. He's feeling. He's answering.

God is with me on this. God is with my family, both near and far.

So the icky feeling happens. So what. I'm human right? God hears my cries, but I'm sending up a lot of rejoices too, and that - I remind myself FREQUENTLY - is life.


  1. I know just how you feel Mara. I have been there. Sometimes, I still feel that way. You are human and you are allowed to have those feelings. Hugs friend!

  2. I bet he was hugging you and telling you everything will make sense. He's probably waiting to send your family children that need you, Jon, and Caleb the most. You are an amazing mother and have such a huge heart, that is why envy crashes the party sometimes... You just have so much love to give that it hurts to not be able to give it. Your time will come :-) love you big sis (and true role model of someone that shares her unconditional love), I am blessed to have you, Jon, and Caleb in my life and I can't wait to Love my future nieces or nephews as much as you already do!


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