Skip to main content

That feeling

It happened again. In church of all places. A place where a heavy heart should be thrown out of the window. A place where envy isn't welcome. A place where I should be reminded, more than any place else, that I should trust God.

That icky feeling happened.

The feeling where I question God. I wonder why.

The feeling where I envy the pregnant lady. I envy the families with multiple young children. I envy the baby being held.

I pretty much despise this feeling. I hate how it feels when it creeps up into my mind. I dislike the water that starts pooling in my eyes. And I feel like such a fool for having such thoughts.

The blessings in my life are beyond measure, especially when it comes to my wonderful little boy, Caleb. But I still question - "why?"

What do you suppose is God's answer when I ask? Is He scoffing at me and saying "not this again Mara." Is He pleading with me, "would you just Trust?" Is He rejoicing, saying "I'm thankful that you care and you want a family." Is He crying, feeling my pain? Is He smiling, knowing all that He holds in the future for me?

But that's just it... He's understanding. He's feeling. He's answering.

God is with me on this. God is with my family, both near and far.

So the icky feeling happens. So what. I'm human right? God hears my cries, but I'm sending up a lot of rejoices too, and that - I remind myself FREQUENTLY - is life.




Labels

Labels:

Comments

  1. UnknownFebruary 10, 2013 at 8:16 PM

    I know just how you feel Mara. I have been there. Sometimes, I still feel that way. You are human and you are allowed to have those feelings. Hugs friend!

    ReplyDelete
  2. AnonymousFebruary 11, 2013 at 3:39 AM

    I bet he was hugging you and telling you everything will make sense. He's probably waiting to send your family children that need you, Jon, and Caleb the most. You are an amazing mother and have such a huge heart, that is why envy crashes the party sometimes... You just have so much love to give that it hurts to not be able to give it. Your time will come :-) love you big sis (and true role model of someone that shares her unconditional love), I am blessed to have you, Jon, and Caleb in my life and I can't wait to Love my future nieces or nephews as much as you already do!

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Second day in Manila

Family picture from yesterday at the park. Caleb has a flying butterfly. Our second day in Manila was fantastic! We got out of the city and saw a ton of the countryside, multiple areas outside of the city, and a beautiful "lake" that houses a volcano.  We've been starting our mornings with this view. Starting out on our journey today we saw some gigantic billboards. These two were selling Jollibee and the other was selling TUNA... tuna!?!? Our first trip to Jollbee! This is the Philippines favorite fast food restaurant, it is similar to our McDonald's. Their primary food though is chicken, much like KFC. Where do pineapples come from!?! Did you say a tree?? Then you, like myself and Jon, are wrong!!!! These are Pineapple Fields! Pineapples are grown from the ground! When this is ready to pick, the pineapple will be sitting straight up on top of the soil.  Road side stop to see the pineapple fields also allowed us to see t...
1 comment
Read more

decisions to be made

Last week I was taken a little aback by the news that it could be 3.5 years until we would be bringing our children home. I knew this would be a process, a long process, and maybe I was kidding myself thinking that somehow our process would be shorter. We still do have the potential to have a shorter process since our parameters are not extremely narrow, but we will still be no where near what my head was hoping for. In the recent months it had crossed my mind that I could see us adopting more than once, but what a process that would be! If this is a 3-5 year process, to start all over again seemed like so much. But now our minds are racing with a new hope... Because of the letter they sent us, we learned that simultaneous adoption is an option. The thought had never even occurred to me to look into this option, but I'm becoming quite excited about the prospect. With simultaneous adoption, we would be part of two different adoption programs within our agency - Ethiopia & ...
2 comments
Read more

Our "Travel Quilts"

  In preparation for this adoption, we've already started thinking of ways that we can afford this whole process. It definitely won't be a "cheap" venture in our lives. The hardest part will be finding the money to cover the travel costs to Africa. To help with the travel costs, we hope to hold a couple events that will help us raise funds.   A couple years ago, when we first discussed adoption, my thoughts were with quilting. I get such satisfaction making a quilt or a sewn gift for a new child, or for a Christmas/Birthday gift for a niece or cousin. Thinking about a child wrapped in a quilt makes me smile from ear to ear. My thoughts then, and now, are to create baby/children quilts to sell. All money made from these quilts will be kept to help pay the costs of travel to Africa. Each quilt sold will be filled with thoughts and prayers for all children. They are full of my waiting stitches  and filled with love and joy.    The picture below shows the...
3 comments
Read more