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Waiting to be cuddled

I believe I have at least three quilts sitting in my sewing room. They all are baby/kid quilts. All of them could be given as gifts, and yet, I have a hard time thinking about giving them away. I thought for sure that they would have been in use in my house by now... But that reality stings... No little ones around to cuddle in my quilts.

The Lord has blessed me with an amazing son, Caleb. I am blessed a hundred times over to have him in my life. So why do I sit and think about filling these empty quilts with little hands???

I grew up knowing one thing: no matter what I do in life, motherhood will be a part of that. I chose my career based on having a family. I bought craft books and children's books in high school and college for my future family. My family is what I live for. And, even with all my faults, I do believe I am a good mother and wife. So why is it that I've struggled to have a family? I don't understand?

Infertility. It's become a cuss word to me. However; since I can remember, adoption has been a blessed word in my life. Adoption is something I've thought about often in life, so when infertility started haunting me, adoption sounded like a wonderful blessing.... Until I realized the cost... The word "money" has also become a cuss word.

Here is my journey. Probably not the most eloquently worded most of the time. But, nonetheless, hopefully this is a little therapy for me. Maybe I'll gain more insight to my thoughts if I write them down, maybe not.

I really do think something is coming, something good will fall into place and I just may be able to think of a bigger family as a reality. In the meantime... I'm going to keep stitching, patching, quilting; and put all the prayers i can muster into these waiting stitches.

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