Waiting to be cuddled

I believe I have at least three quilts sitting in my sewing room. They all are baby/kid quilts. All of them could be given as gifts, and yet, I have a hard time thinking about giving them away. I thought for sure that they would have been in use in my house by now... But that reality stings... No little ones around to cuddle in my quilts.

The Lord has blessed me with an amazing son, Caleb. I am blessed a hundred times over to have him in my life. So why do I sit and think about filling these empty quilts with little hands???

I grew up knowing one thing: no matter what I do in life, motherhood will be a part of that. I chose my career based on having a family. I bought craft books and children's books in high school and college for my future family. My family is what I live for. And, even with all my faults, I do believe I am a good mother and wife. So why is it that I've struggled to have a family? I don't understand?

Infertility. It's become a cuss word to me. However; since I can remember, adoption has been a blessed word in my life. Adoption is something I've thought about often in life, so when infertility started haunting me, adoption sounded like a wonderful blessing.... Until I realized the cost... The word "money" has also become a cuss word.

Here is my journey. Probably not the most eloquently worded most of the time. But, nonetheless, hopefully this is a little therapy for me. Maybe I'll gain more insight to my thoughts if I write them down, maybe not.

I really do think something is coming, something good will fall into place and I just may be able to think of a bigger family as a reality. In the meantime... I'm going to keep stitching, patching, quilting; and put all the prayers i can muster into these waiting stitches.

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To the man who raised our son - In Memory of Pastor Dan

If all of us can only understand what compassion and grace truly mean, this world might be a better place. ~Pastor Dan Montenegro
There is a person I have dreamed of seeing again. I imagine our Tope, ten years older, as a young man, going back to where he was raised the first five years of his life. The walls of his orphanage would take shape and memories would form for Tope, memories that he would both share and keep to himself. We would share our memories too. Memories of when the gate opened and we first saw his face. Memories of the children that surrounded us, watching as he met his Mom & Dad for the first time. Memories of the caretakers that had spent so much time and love on our little boy. And then we would not just see the building, the new children living here, the memories of past and present, but we would see Pastor Dan standing there, standing proud and grinning as he would hold out his arms to embrace our son.
This man. He is kind, gentle, humble. He is a servant …

A feminine touch

How often do you think God looks down upon us and laughs at the things we think and say? I have to think, if I were God, I would be having a good chuckle at least every other hour just listening to my thoughts alone!

Here was His chuckle...

Mara: "I think we are destined for all boys in this house. The craziness of these boys! oy! This is my life."

God: "Lol! Haven't you heard that Everyone agrees that girls are much harder than boys!?!"

Mara: "For certain the only "cute" clothes I will buy will include a collar and buttons."

God: "Hehehe! You do realize that girls don't just need a pair of tennis shoes for the winter and sandals for the summer, right!? They need dress shoes, sandals, tennis shoes, cute boots, real boots, shiny shoes, easter shoes, christmas shoes...."

Mara: "It would be fun to have another female in this house. These boys could use more feminine presence. They are much less crazy. "

God: "You as…

Until we meet again: A Fostercare Goodbye

For baby girl and big boy A -

Here is the time I must say goodbye to you, my sweet, sweet children. For almost four months, you have been a part of our family, a part of our daily life, and a big part of my heart.

Please know I do not see this as a forever goodbye, for I know I will see you again. It may be next month, catching up at the park. It could be next fall, waving in the hallway at school. Maybe we will see you at your next birthday party, and I can see how tall you've grown. Or perhaps we will attend your graduation, and congratulate you on the fine young adult that you are. And in the card I write you, I'll remind you of the the four months we had together, and how you still have a part of my heart.

Although maybe the next time I see you, time will have passed by many, many years. I will be at the store or I'll be walking down the street and I'll think-what a beautiful and confident young woman that is, or what a handsome and kind young man he is. You won…

Waiting Stitches

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