Today we mark being on the waiting list for one month. Caleb held up Lego pieces, trying to make them look like a one (even though he's holding two pieces!). :)
This month has completely flown by, we've kept busy between lots of travel, family visits, and the beginning of school and other activities. I feel stuck amongst the awkward feeling of what I want "time" to be. I pray for the next months, however many there may be, to go as fast as the first one. But then I also don't want my months to go by so quickly, as I don't want to miss this time of my life. We are able to spend more quality time with Caleb, we have ample opportunities to enjoy time with friends and organizations within our community, and I'm paving my tracks in my 30's. I don't want all of THIS time to whiz on by without me barely even turning my head. So what do I wish for - this waiting period to go fast or slow?
Within the fast-paced life of the last month though, I have understood how time can drag. Drag when you least want it to - not something I want with this adoption process! Caleb scared me at a Renaissance festival that we attended. He had hit his, I'm so tired I can't think for myself anymore, stage and got very irritated about something. When I told him it was time for him to sit and think, he ran away from me. I chased him for a couple minutes and then a big group of people got in between us - and he was gone. Just like that. Time stood still.
Caleb was gone for maybe 5 minutes max before locating security, who had just found Caleb a minute before. But those five minutes felt like hours. I didn't panic, actually didn't even cry until I saw my Mom and asked her to help find him. I prayed and felt a sense that Caleb was ok. But I also prayed that time would move quickly. I didn't want to be stuck in this moment of uncertainty - such a scary feeling.
I've reflected quite a bit on this 15 minute period of my life. Trying to understand how I could have made this time be different - from the very beginning. What time could I have spent with Caleb so he hadn't ran away? What time could I have spent immediately returning to my parents when I realized he was gone, instead of searching for a couple minutes? Did I use my time wisely once I knew he was safe? Did I pray for gratitude, or did I focus more on what I would say to Caleb? Did I spend my time wisely when I saw Caleb-saying the right things, holding him long enough, crying?
This fifteen minutes was one of the longest of my life, but has reminded me that the answer to my time dilemma is to live. Live every moment to its fullest, whether I feel I have the time to do so or not. Live this adoption waiting period enjoying our family of three and spending the time to pray for the little ones that someday will be home with us. Live this time in prayer and thought, where being thankful, planning, and asking are good things...
Live. Be. Do.
Time is now.
Ps- remind me of those last 6 words when I'm in a tizzy, annoyed by the future waiting process!!!! :)
Lol! Goodnight friends and readers!