Ringing in 2014 with uncertainty

I've been out of the blogging loop the last couple weeks. We traveled for seven days to see family and friends over the holidays and I rarely used internet during that time - it was kind of nice actually. We very much enjoyed our time during our travels and I will have to post some pictures soon. Maybe once everything is actually put away from our bags and boxes, I'll consider writing about it all!

Truthfully though, I was kind of ignoring my blog. Christmas and the New Year are such happy times of the year, and when it came to blogging, all I could think of were negatives. I really had nothing nice to say. And what is the saying - "if you have nothing nice to say, don't say it at all". I didn't want my negativity to weigh down our holiday, nor my spirits.

So, if you are at all feeling in a really good mood and want nothing to do with frustrating thoughts, feel free to stop reading this post - NOW. But if you feel like learning a little more about the downsides to adoption, keep on reading my friend.

Last night I finally let it all flow. An hour of tears and a huge headache later, I realized it probably wasn't good of me to not blog. This is my outlet and way to help me comprehend my feelings. As soon as I started talking to Jon about everything, I realized I should have also been writing. I had told Jon some of my frustrations in bits and pieces over the last, well probably since Thanksgiving really, but last night it all came rolling out. I just didn't want my uncertainties and frustrations to cloud our holiday festivities.

Here are my frustrations. All probably par for most adoption courses. All stink.

• Our homestudy is still not updated, therefore it hasn't been sent into immigration yet. We have been given 3 months to get all of our things into the Philippines, which includes our immigration letter. I contacted our homestudy agency 2 MONTHS ago with urgent emails saying how the homestudy had to be updated sooner than later, but it is still not in our hands, much less in the immigration office (which will then take at the very minimum another month to accept all our paperwork). There seems to always be things more important than getting to our homestudy - meetings, conferences, parent in labor, baby being adopted - great. I'm happy for those families. Glad your business runs. But what about a little boy who has been in an orphanage for over 4 years? Two more months have now been added to his orphanage timeline because he for some reason cannot be priority for this agency. It makes me more than sad, it makes me furious. I'm not sure if I can even begin to explain how frustrated I am right now over all of this. Jon feels the same. The question is, what do we do? We really don't have another option for homestudy agencies so our hands are tied with their very crappy timeline. 

• Summer plans are already starting and I have no idea what to do about any of them. Our prayer is that Little C will come home by this summer and/or at the very beginning. However, now with the timelines of OTHER people involved in this process, the likelihood of this happening is becoming less and less. Still, how much do we plan for the summer knowing plans could change so fast? I have two things I would absolutely love to do this summer, work at camp and perform in theater. Both I will live without doing if our little boy is home - but if he is not, then I will Need these things to help keep me busy-help keep my sanity. Problem is both of these things want a commitment within the next month or two. I absolutely hate backing out of things after I commit. So is it better to back out if Little C comes home, or am I better off not signing up at all? I just really don't know what to do.

• I like to think of myself as an optimistic person, but lately I feel optimism flying out my back door. We're so excited to bring Little C home and yet I have become so scared too. I've been reading more about attachment and adoption. These books make everything sound like every minute of our time with Little C is going to be hard, frustrating, trying. I understand that the books are outlining what can happen if steps are not taken to properly bond with your child, but it all becomes quite overwhelming after awhile. I'm overall very nervous about what we do once I have to go back to work. Will Little C be ready to try preschool? Should he only do daycare and then go directly to Kindergarten? Am I making the right choice working? I have to work, we can't afford for me not to work - but how will this negatively affect Little C? Ahhhh. All of this scares me so. My optimistic side says that all of this will work out and we will go with the flow - all is good. The pessimistic side that is taking over says if I make one decision wrong, it could screw up Little C's future success in our family and in life - that is a lot of pressure I know I'm wrongly putting on myself, but it is there.

• And then there is the other junk I can't wrap my mind around. Just when I feel I'm doing better with our life circumstance, I realize I just don't get it and have so many questions for God. I'm so very happy for friends and family having babies and talking about life with multiple children... but I'm not happy for us. This is the life I WANTED. Not the life I wanted to watch everyone else have. I know our time is coming, but when? Jon says maybe I should give up facebook. In the last week three people have announced their pregnancies... our little one is due _____ month. Why can't I say this for Little C!?!? Why can't I say "our little one will be coming home on _____ month. We expect to see him soon!" I have no idea what to say about these things any more! There is no certainty in a date. For all I know 2014 should be the year we bring him home, but it could be later... there is just no way of knowing. I've got to figure out how to get over this and be happy when I see other families, hear of babies, and see successful (faster) adoption stories. Just giving up Facebook I don't think would help though, it even hits me during Pinterest looking. The other day I saw a picture set up for a couple's 10 year anniversary: they are holding a sign that says "10 years later" with their three kids holding their legs. Jon and I will be married 10 years in June. We should have been taking a picture like that, but most likely Little C won't even be with us by June. I know all of this sounds so caddie and ridiculous. I need to focus on the blessings in my life, especially my Big C - my very precious Caleb. But I am finding it so hard to do lately.

There you have it. My "feel much too sorry for myself" attitude taking over the blog today. 

Promise next time to write about the good things in my life. There really are a bounty of them. I know that. I really do. It's just all feeling a little cloudy lately.

Thanks for the prayers and the time you take to read my thoughts. It's much appreciated. 

Have a good night.

In Christ,

Mara