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When life is changing

You know that thing when life changes?

At first you are excited, everything is going great. You are on top of the world and although life isn't perfect, you know it can't get much better?

Then you start realizing the nitty-gritties, the things that are starting to stir at your bellybutton. The small parts to the change that suddenly start feeling so huge.

You start to panic. Your stomach starts to not agree with you and you regret this, and that, and this again.

And then you calm yourself, take a deep breath, look at the positives around you, and tell yourself "this too shall pass".

Until that wave of anxiety passes over you again and you continue the cycle of happy, nervous, anxious, happy, nervous, anxious - over and over again.



This is where I'm at right now. Everything seems almost too overwhelming. So many changes, both older changes and new changes, that just aren't settling well. I'm trying so hard to stay positive and ride along with the adventures of life, but instead I feel like I could be sick at any second over the worry and panic I am starting to feel.

Tope. My love. My beautiful little boy. He has been home 7 months now and I wouldn't give it up for the world. But things have been getting harder and harder lately. I believe mischief is in his bones, and he will always be trying to get away with things, but lately it is ALL THE TIME. I can hardly turn around without him getting into something he shouldn't be getting into or doing the opposite of what was asked. He has also started to become clingy in a needy sort of way. He refuses to do anything without help, and when he doesn't get the help he throws a tantrum (at least this only happens at home, not at school yet). I feel like I'm constantly playing a fine line of trying to teach him how to be a 6 year old and yet still give him the comfort and Motherly acts that he needs since he hasn't had a Mother in his life until 7 months ago. I feel like I don't know where to draw the line and in the meantime I am just feeling more and more ornery every time he gets into more mischief. I don't want him to think he is a naughty child, but I feel like all I do 24/7 lately is correct him and tell him to stop this and stop that. This change is amazing in my life, and this change is oh so hard. Having two 6 year olds at home that are on completely different levels, and yet are both definetly 6 year olds, is very trying. I feel tired all the time it seems just trying to keep up with the two of them.

Speaking of two 6 year olds, my other son, Caleb, isn't doing so hot with all the change either. Recently he is starting to say more and more things about not getting as much attention as he used to get, or that Tope is always in "his" things. I'd say overall Caleb is doing quite well with this huge change in his life - being an only child for 6 years and then completely having to share everything with another 6 year old has to be pretty life changing. He has acted mature about it, but lately he has become sullen and upsets easily. Maybe this change is finally hitting him and he doesn't quite know what to do with it. I am trying my best to get him to talk and tell us what he is feeling, but most of it I can see is staying inside, and then comes out when he is tired and not himself - oh so fun for this mother, let me tell you.

And then we decided to sell our house, after the "perfect" house came onto the market and we went after it. It has more land, it is just the right size, it has smaller buildings I can grow my photo and music studios in, and it just seemed to be a great move for us... but the timing... oh the timing... this just seems like a change maybe we should have waited for. Don't get me wrong, I'm still excited about this house, but first we have to sell our current house, a house I really do adore so it is hard to part with. We are trying to sell this house at the beginning of a new school year which is a big change from our summer days, for the boys into new classrooms, and for me with many more students this year. We are also trying to sell this house with Jon going to Africa for two weeks - gah! what was I thinking!?!? I try to be a clean person, but I do have clutter in my house, more than I should. The clutter has been moved away and now I'm left trying to keep this house spit spot and it is absolutely driving me crazy. I'm not used to living this way! The anxiety to keep it so clean and the change of having less "stuff" in the house so suddenly is making it hard for me to be excited to be in my own home, even if it does look emmaculate.

Have I metioned school? Oh yes, I did briefly. Always love the new school year as I look forward to routine again, but this year I was so scared. It is a HUGE change for Tope as he has never had schooling. Caleb already doesn't like school within the first week and I'm sick about trying to figure that all out. And I'm trying to get back in the swing of things while worrying about my boys, Jon leaving for a couple weeks, selling the house, and being sick for the last week. This change stuff is kind of not going well for me.

I'm trying my darndest to find the silver-lining in all of these things. I find the good things, really I do. But tonight, tonight was a hard one. I think I could have ugly cried all night long and still not felt good about anything. We all have these days - I know you do, and if you haven't, someday you will. Change is inevitable. Change is a wonderful and scary thing all in one. Am I excited for a lot of the changes in my life right now? - absolutely. Am I wishing these changes would feel "normal" once again? - absolutely.

Why did I write all of this tonight? Not for you to have pity on me, please don't worry and be nervous that I'm in the dumps! But I felt I needed to show to you, my friends, that life isn't always honkey-dorey around here. I know sometimes I, like many others on facebook, blogs, etc, only share the happy details in life and forget to mention the frustrating details, and tonight I'm here to say that it is all part of life, because for good and bad, life keeps changing.

Change.

What changes are in your life right now? Are you at that happy stage or the nauseous stage yet?  :)
Wherever you are at - God's blessings to you. You and I will get through these changes one day, one hour, one moment at a time.

In Christ~
Mara

Comments

  1. We are planning to adopt from the Philippines as well. We are just starting our journey. Your blog has been a great find! What agency did you use? Would you recommend that agency? Thanks!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. How exciting! Glad you stumbled upon the blog. Let me know if you ever have any questions, I'd be happy to try and answer. You can email me at jmschack@gmail.com as well. I have a couple other resources you may be interested in as well through facebook if you let me know. We worked with All God's Children International. We were actually their very first placement for the Philippines program, so it is fairly new to them, but since then three more families have brought home their children with AGCI's help. They are an excellent organization that have their priorities straight and work hard advocating for children. I was always given timely responses to questions and the gal in charge of the Philippines program currently (Kate) is really great. I'd be happy to talk more if you'd like, send me an email and we can exchange numbers. :) Mara

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  2. Hi, I read your post and can't help but wonder how you're doing now with the little kiddos? Is it going any better? Still testing the limits non stop? We are right into an adoption process, waiting for our child. We got the agreement from the Philippines on the 16th of September, and from there we have to wait max 2 years before he/she arrives. I am super impatient and super scared at the same time. I'm scared by stories like yours (sorry). My nightmare is that kind of behavior going on and on and through adolescence and everything!! :-( I hope Tope's behavior is getting better. :-)
    Anyway I'm babbling. ;-) Can't wait to hear from you!
    Sabrina (Belgium)

    ReplyDelete

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