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late night question

Why did God choose for us to wait, just in time to wait again?

Our journey with adoption began in 2010. We had started looking into all of our options, researching the pros and cons of domestic vs. international adoption, learning more about the hundreds of options for agencies, and researching the many different countries we could adopt from. At the time I fell in love with AGCI and the principles they stood for, as well as the prompt and friendly responses I had from the caseworker we were working with. I was also interested in foster care and was studying what that would mean within Iowa, where we lived at the time. And then reality struck, the likelihood that we would move out of Iowa was very real. If we started any type of adoption process at that time, basically all would have to be started over if we were to move to another state. So we stopped the process.

Physically the process was over. Mentally, I wasn't satisfied with this answer.

We were smart though. We listened to what God was trying to tell us, which was to wait, as he had some new adventures in store. In the spring of 2011, Jon began his new job in Wisconsin and off we moved. We started that summer with a job, and two extra kids in tow, as we were blessed to help take care of family members for that summer. Sending the children home at the end of the summer was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I had come to love those children in the mere 2.5 months they lived with us, as my own. I would have laid down my life for those kids. Still would.

By the end of that summer, I knew, without a doubt, that my heart was open and ready for children that I had not "bore". My children are not "my children" just because I physically created them, my children are, and will be, my children because they are my heart.

I am their Mom. Wherever they may be.

Once our little ones left us at the end of the summer, I began to heavily research foster care. My heart was open to a world that I wanted so desperately to be a part of. Jon and I could do this. Our hearts were ready - until our initial meeting with the caseworker, where we learned we would not be a good match for the WI program, as we were only willing to take children younger than Caleb, meaning one of us would have to be a stay-at-home parent (which is not an option financially) and they also didn't want to "sit around with parents that couldn't take an older child - they didn't have the manpower." It was very upsetting to hear. I know there are young children in the state of WI that need a loving home, but apparently our area of WI doesn't need anymore parents who only want younger children. And this is hard for me, as I would LOVE to take in older children, but we really want to keep Caleb the oldest, as well as keep Caleb safe.

So back to the drawing board we went, and contacted the caseworker we had spoken to a couple years prior from AGCI. I was blessed with a full-time job and Jon's job was finally steady and we realized now was the time to take the leap of faith. After three years we were finally diving in to our dream to add to our family. We started the process, as you all know  :)

And now-

We Wait.

I'm not good at this waiting thing. And we have a lot of waiting to go.

Why did God make us wait, just in time to wait again?  I can't find the answers right now. I'm sure in time the answers will come to be. Faith tells me someday I will know. But today, I am in the now. Today I am selfish. And I want to know.

I looked in the mirror tonight and started seeing the wrinkles and some aging spots. Although small, naked to most eyes who don't see me everyday - I see them. And I thought, I'm getting older, and here I have so much more life to give, that I really WANT to give, and yet I'm standing here waiting, waiting, waiting. But then! Oh, but then! I thought of my Caleb.

My wonderful, wonderful Caleb.

And I remembered. I may not be able to hold all of my little ones right now, which is really hard to grasp. BUT, I can hold my Caleb. And for that, I am thankful beyond all measure. AND I can pray for my other little ones, I can pray that God is watching them for me and giving them hugs and kisses from me. It may not be what I want right now, but this knowledge has to be enough. I am grateful for what God has given me and for all of the unknowns that I know he has in store for not only me, but for my family.

K. So my late night question has turned into a little tears of waiting for me tonight, but that's ok. I'm sure there will be many more tears to come, and I believe all of them will be worth it. Someday I'll be able to look back on this and see all of the good that came from my questioning.

For if it wasn't for late night questions - well, maybe we wouldn't be where we are today.
Waiting for our children to come home.

Late night questions are a good thing.

Good night,
 
Mara


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