Having a hard time wrapping my mind around the fact that we could officially be adopting soon. It is like this knowledge has suddenly hit me and I feel quite anxious all of a sudden. Maybe I've been so busy with the play I'm in that I was able to not feel the nerves, but all it has taken is one free evening and I have the jitters! We went from thinking a possible three years to bring our kids home, to the reality that one of our children could be coming home by summer.
The hardest part is not even knowing if we really can adopt this little boy. I'm trying not to get attached to everything until we know for certain that we can adopt from the Philippines. But I'm not going to sugarcoat it - I will definitely feel a loss and grief if this does not happen. The not wanting to get attached, is happening in the opposite fashion...
Today at church I watched Caleb coloring in the pew and for a brief moment I could see two little boys standing there and coloring. If only that was already a reality, and yet it also scares me knowing it could be a reality soon. I truly feel we are called to not adopt a baby, but knowing we could bring home a four year old is not something I take lightly. We will have missed out on so many milestones of his, we will miss his cute baby pudge, we will miss his first words, teeth, hair. He will already be set in some of his personality, he will try us on for size, jut like almost 5 year old Caleb is doing right now.
But do you know what is really scary to me? It's not that he would have some medical things to resolve or that he doesn't speak our language - I'm scared that he has no idea what it is like to live with a family. Having parents, a brother, a house, a car, a dog - the couple things of these he did have, well, it has been 3.5 years since that time. How will he react to having a home? A family?
His safety is in an orphanage- that thought haunts me.
This week- we pray an answer comes from the Phillipines whether or not we would be considered to adopt. We also pray we can finalize our decision, as this little child is "on hold" for our family only until Oct. 22.
In the meantime I have resumed some of my waiting stitches. They help me think and pray. I got 10 owls finished up tonight-all spoken for, but a whole flock cut out ready to sew soon. I have loved being in a play, but I'm looking forward to some more sewing time again... Although if we go through with the adoption, the next couple months will demand more nights of paperwork!
Thanks for listening to me ramble tonight. It is now time for bed so I don't standup my running partner tomorrow morning! Have a great week everyone. I will keep you posted if we learn anything more.